updates and direction
more of a life/plan update than anything relevant to the rest of the world
In August I filed my dissertation and my PhD was conferred. Now I am Dr. Emily Eisner, which is very strange and my imposter syndrome hasn’t really let it sink in. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that while I think I certainly spent enough time and energy to earn a phd, I wouldn’t say I know much more about the economy than someone who regularly reads the news. Alas, so it goes :)
After finishing my PhD (which by the way was a real pain in the butt on a number of levels that, if people are interested in listening to me pontificate about, I gladly will), I started a job in North Carolina State Government with the hopes that it would feel like a less toxic environment for me than academia had been feeling, and also that it would feel faster paced and more collaborative than my academic work was. I think it was all a good idea, but with the pandemic still raging and me not knowing anyone in North Carolina, it was very hard to feel connected to people and make my life work. So now I’m home in Philadelphia, trying to make sense of my life and what I want and how to move forward.
With this context, I’m hoping this newsletter can act as a space for me to keep engaging with economics and current events, and also to process some of the challenging times that I’ve had personally in my academic career.
The brutal reality is that I’ve been struggling with anxiety and depression for most of the past 8 years. That’s hard for me to really conceive of but it’s true. It hasn’t effected me every day and I am definitely working with professionals and family to try to heal and recover, but it is what it is and it’s been horrible. It is scary and right now every day is hard. The past three years have been particularly brutal for me, starting before the pandemic but boy did the pandemic make it even harder to feel alive in the world - as so many of us know.
I’m sharing this not really because I love the idea of everyone knowing about the thing I’m struggling with. I don’t want pity and I don’t want to be seen as weak or incapable. I’m quite capable and to be honest, if you think that you can help me by telling me your tips and tricks for getting through the day, I can almost guarantee that I have already tried whatever it is you’re suggesting and it may be helpful or it may not but it certainly isn’t what I want to hear right now. No, I’m sharing this because I don’t want to hide it anymore. I don’t want it to be a part of me that I keep private because I fear it will impact my career or how people will see and understand me. I’m sure it will have impacts but I need, just for me, to feel proud of who I am and what I’m going through regardless of what some people think. And in a more magnanimous sense, I imagine other people have had similar struggles so maybe one more person talking about it can help a little bit.
Anyway, back to this blog. I will keep writing and thinking here. I am not the smartest person in the world. I have not read the most or achieved the highest prestige. But I enjoy thinking and writing and engaging on issues in the economy and so I will keep pushing forward and maybe some people will join me. I hope you do :)
Congratulations Dr. Emily! I was an undergrad in your class in Econ 134 and Econ 100B and you inspired me to learn macroeconomics. Completing a Berkeley PhD is an incredible achievement, and it's my dream to get in.